Friday, October 21, 2011

Bruised but never Beaten

I feel like I'm an alien. This cannot be my life or the family I was meant to be in. I'm not naieve enough to think they are all crazy and I'm the only sane one I'm sure I'm a little extra as well but how is it that I belong to this woman. She is my nemesis, a thorn in my side, a constant speed bump in life... Wait allow me to give you some back story... at 19 I got pregnant [my bad lol] ok so I'm pregnant the sperm says its not his baby, I have no job, and I'm a ful time student. She put me out of the house because I asked my father how long was he moving my computer downstairs [wasn't talking to her the argument blew up I was evicted]. While pregnant she told me "I will kill you and your baby" 5 minutes later denied it. She also told me "you will never get out tof UTC "[I did it twice and now have a Master's, [it took her my entire life to get an associates]. It was so bad at one point my sister[best girl friend] thought I had a step mother... how is it I was born to her. She consistently belittles me telling me I'm worthless, my career is "bull shit, and stupid", something must be wrong with me because I can't keep a man [I'm 26] and I could go on forever. Please beleieve this did no start when I turned 19 those are just the most vivid memories. I mean there I the time I was beat because my older cousin wanted to play doctor [different blog], or the christmas she gave away my toys, oh and I'll never forget being told I should have been prettier because I was such a pretty baby... I just don't understand why she had to be my mom. I used to fantasize about being adopted because my home felt like foster care... so as I sit here in the back seat on this long road trip I wished she would have skipped I'm reminded why I'm so scarred and damaged and it has nothing to do with a man its her, she, the monster, its my mother....

*wipes tear and pretends to be asleep*
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