Monday, January 9, 2012

Relapse on love (my own personal brand of heroin)

… Hello my name is Toya and I’m an addict…. Acceptance is the first step well I accept it. I need help. I teach and stress relapse prevention all day. It goes something like this… Triggers, High Risk Situations, Coping Skills, Support Network, Change your thinking…. Yet I cannot do this in my own life. Let’s be clear love is my drug of choice. I seek it out crave it and like my addicts I’m not even sure if I like it. (One client told me “Ms. Carter, I don’t even like getting high I JUST DO IT”) When he said it I couldn’t understand but now I am thinking I do. I mean lets be real I hate dating BUT I want the husband with 2 kids and possibly a dog so dating is like a necessary evil. Can he just not fall out of the sky? The whole process of meeting (which how do you even do that after college) dating, learning about them and their we hope not so dysfunctional family only to fall in love then what be crushed…. Then there is the one… the one who consumes all your thoughts, needs, and embodies what you believe is right for you. He is like my own personal brand of heroin (#twilightquote). I cannot get enough even though I know after the high comes the crash. For me the high seems to outweigh the crash. This is an example of true addict thinking because lets be real there is no way the high can be worth the crash. The high consists of stolen moments and smiles and thoughts that there could possibly be an “us” and it is always short lived because the crash is coming. The crash is like devastating reality. It is a reminder that we will never be consisting of water flows, and water damage. The crash is long lasting and it is harder every time to pull myself back into recovery. Still I chase the high, I need it, want it crave it. I am willing to go out of my way for it. When it is clear that this drug is no good for me…. Im Toya and thank you for allowing me to share….

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