Why do I continue to have these thoughts. Memories burned into my mind. The good the bad I see it all. What do I think will change? The fact remains that we see the same situation so differntly that there cannot be a we... I was asked recently do I regret what I did [find the dirt] and without a tear my answ is no. My only regret I that there was something to find. I like to be well informed, and even though I'm now well aware what was hapening I still have thoughts.... thoughts of what if when I know there is no more us... I'm not even sure I want an us anymore. Technically he cheated and then fliped it like I was uber wrong. He still throws it in my face that chicks are trynna be with him....I guess I need to get out make more memories so I can have new thoughts..
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
… Hello my name is Toya and I’m an addict…. Acceptance is the first step well I accept it. I need help. I teach and stress relapse prevention all day. It goes something like this… Triggers, High Risk Situations, Coping Skills, Support Network, Change your thinking…. Yet I cannot do this in my own life. Let’s be clear love is my drug of choice. I seek it out crave it and like my addicts I’m not even sure if I like it. (One client told me “Ms. Carter, I don’t even like getting high I JUST DO IT”) When he said it I couldn’t understand but now I am thinking I do. I mean lets be real I hate dating BUT I want the husband with 2 kids and possibly a dog so dating is like a necessary evil. Can he just not fall out of the sky? The whole process of meeting (which how do you even do that after college) dating, learning about them and their we hope not so dysfunctional family only to fall in love then what be crushed…. Then there is the one… the one who consumes all your thoughts, needs, and embodies what you believe is right for you. He is like my own personal brand of heroin (#twilightquote). I cannot get enough even though I know after the high comes the crash. For me the high seems to outweigh the crash. This is an example of true addict thinking because lets be real there is no way the high can be worth the crash. The high consists of stolen moments and smiles and thoughts that there could possibly be an “us” and it is always short lived because the crash is coming. The crash is like devastating reality. It is a reminder that we will never be consisting of water flows, and water damage. The crash is long lasting and it is harder every time to pull myself back into recovery. Still I chase the high, I need it, want it crave it. I am willing to go out of my way for it. When it is clear that this drug is no good for me…. Im Toya and thank you for allowing me to share….
Wanting more than I can have… or should I say more than they are willing to give. It’s simple people set their boundaries of what they are willing to do whether verbal or with actions. So what do you do with your expectations? You concede, walk away or suffer through miserably. Am I so desperate for male attention that I am willing to concede? HELL NO so that means he has to go. Why is it that men say one thing and do a complete opposite… because we let them. I will be honest I let them. The men in my life use me for one thing or another because I am a giver and I allow and tolerate their behavior. Lets be real this blog is not only about sex its about time, conversation and everything in between. For men it is all in the actions so its time to woman up and bitch slap this negro (and a few others) from my life… I have got to learn that people can only give what they are willing to give and in the end I’m the only one left hurting when I expect more….